Crack Mommies

When my wife and her siblings were growing up, they made a double entendre of the phrase "doing crack" to describe what many of us refer to as "plumber's crack". "Look, girls! Daddy's doing crack!" I would hear as my pants dropped a bit while bending under the kitchen sink. Well as we all now know, doing crack is no longer a problem for plumbers only. The ass crack is the new pierced navel. The perfect accessory for your low rise jeans. And this trend, once reserved for teenagers and twentysomethings has become acceptable for some adventurous older women (and unfortunately some men) as well. That's right, suburban mothers are doing crack!

Crack mommies are in evidence all over Westchester County. I see them at the supermarket, I see them at the mall. I saw a woman last summer bent over, weeding her lawn with almost her entire ass out. I've also seen moms doing crack at elementary and preschool events and at a number of kid's birthday parties, which makes me a little uneasy.


As a man, my eye is drawn to any bared skin below a woman's neck and above her knees. I've tried to fight it, but I've got very little discipline, and I consider it a victimless social crime. That said, it does make me uncomfortable to see a woman doing crack while I'm trying to be a good father at a school event or some similar gathering. Enslaved by my hard wired man brain, my eyes cannot help but wander to the crack. As a result, I feel like a pervert for objectifying women during what should be quality time with my daughters. Those feelings of perversion soon turn to confusion when I begin to wonder why these women aren't being more crack conscious in such places. In a setting like a bar, one expects to see some crack. And one can assume either drunken neglect or alluring exhibitionism as rationalizations. But those reasons don't seem to apply at a preschool birthday party or a scholastic book fair.

One assumes that most crack moms are simply the victims of fashion and circumstance. Surely they would be devastated to know that the men in the room (and some of the boys, I'm sure) had seen so much. Or would they? I suspect that for some of these women, doing crack is akin to wearing a very low cut top. The denim curtain drops to "accidentally" reveal the butt cleavage which shouts, "Motherhood took the belly, but please take some time to enjoy my ass crack while I bend over wipe my toddler's nose."

There is, however, an important difference between bum and breast cleavage. The plunging neckline has an elegant quality.
We see it often at posh red carpet events. The low cut top helps accentuate a woman's neck and creates a line of vision that leads to a woman's face. Plus boobs can be a warm happy home for a priceless necklace. The ass crack points to a less sophisticated place, and it's location allows for more surreptitious viewing at close range. This gives it a seedier image than its forward facing counterpart. If boob cleavage is Elizabeth Hurley, ass crack is Divine Brown, and most men are Hugh Grant, and would like a taste, so to speak, of both the elegant and the seedy (even if Divine might not quite be their type).

Don't get me wrong. The crack mommy epidemic is mostly harmless, and I'm a big fan of the female rear end and all roads that lead there. I just think it's inappropriate to have Divine Brown propositioning me when I'm supposed to be enjoying my three year old singing jingle bells at the preschool Holiday party.

You can read more about ass cleavage fashion here, and here.